Mike Huckabee proclaims he had "God's blessing to run for office", in related news God apparently the only Caucus voter who showed for Huckabee

 

 

Mike Huckabee is a religious man, no denying that fact....But apparently he and the Lord had different plans. After receiving less votes than I did in the Iowa Caucus, Mike Huckabee has thrown in the towel on running for office. I too believe in God, I also believe that people such as Huckabee need to learn to separate church and state.....but hey what do I know I've never run for office and lost as many times as he has.



Trump nominated for Nobel Peace Prize; O'Malley given participation ribbon

In a stunning development Donald Trump has been nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize meanwhile on the Democratic side O'Malley was given a participation ribbon after failing to receive 1% of the vote in Iowa. Stay tuned for up to the minute news with HairyMander!

Hillary being investigated, Las Vegas dealer on leave after Hillary wins 186 black jack hands in a row

Just hours after "winning" in Iowa via 6 unanimous coin toss victories Hillary decided to take her luck to Vegas. After getting well sauced she found a specific black jack table that had been "chosen" for her and began to play. After winning 186 hands in a row she was asked to leave and the dealer was sent home while an investigation was pending. She is claiming no wrong doing on the event and says she's "simply lucky".

Rand Paul tired of big Government promises to end all roads, schools, social security, disability benefits, and scholarships if elected

After a disappointing fifth place finish in the Iowa Caucuses Rand Paul has made a bold statement. Citing big government as the root of all American problems he has rolled out a plan that would elect him as president and simultaneously also end government as we know it. "If elected I will ensure that government funded roads, schools, benefit programs, and aid will be stopped immediately".

New York Times to do special piece on Hillary's 49.8-49.6 landslide victory over Sanders

Earlier this week the New York Times endorsed Hillary based on her "vast experience in all subjects", so it comes as no surprise that they are throwing her an after party in Iowa. Just shortly after Hillary squeaked out an extremely narrow victory outspending Bernie sanders by 38 million dollars The New York Times announced they will do a special newspaper piece on her amazing victory over Bernie.

Trump face times Cruz.....🖕🏼"I still have more money"!!

In what is being called an immature lashing out Donald Trump face timed Ted Cruz and told him he's still far richer and more successful than him. Ted Cruz was unavailable for comment.

Hillary Clinton vows if elected to reduce secret service weapons to rape whistles only

In an effort to pander to the anti-gun voters Hillary has made a bold promise, if elected she has promised to strip her own private security of their guns and provide them with rape whistles. As dangerous as this sounds Hillary hopes this will increase her popularity among young women who have largely supported Senator Sanders.

Obama confident if given one more term he could find a reason to release more active terrorist

In a tell all interview President Obama didn't hold back when asked about Guantanamo Bay. "Originally the plan was to completely close the offshore operations but I was unable to do that". When asked about the dangers of releasing known terrorist he responded by saying " Look, I know there is a slight danger here but honestly most of them have been completely reformed and are peaceful, had I gotten another term I'm fairly confident I could have had the remaining terrorist released quickly.

Illinois governor Bruce Rauner fixes lottery shortage by cutting all public school funding.

Governor Bruce Rauner has been quite polarizing ever since taking office. Given the current state of affairs in Illinois it's not unreasonable to have to make some cuts here and there, but Rauner has went too far. His recent plan to help fulfill lottery  winnings is to "temporarily" end all school funding and cut lunch as well. When asked about his plan he responded by saying "I'm a self made millionaire and I wouldn't be where I'm at today if I had been given the option to eat lunch everyday".

Report: George W. Bush receiving higher percentage of votes than brother Jeb

Jeb Bush is having a rough month. After reaching as high as second in the Gallup polls in December he has plummeted to under 3% of the vote. Meanwhile former president and brother George W. although legally ineligible to serve again has surprisingly garnered 4% of the republican vote nationwide. Jeb was unavailable for comment but we were able to reach George W. Who had this to say "It's not that surprising that I'm still getting tons of votes....I mean fool me once shame on us,fool me twice shame on someone else".

Ted Cruz ruins local pancake breakfast by flipping too often

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In what is being touted as a disasterous campaign move Ted Cruz has completely  botched a pancake breakfast fundraiser. We spoke with some of the locals who had the misfortune of attending. "It was like he couldn't hear what we were saying" one witness stated. After repeatedly flipping the pancakes apparently unable to choose which side to cook several hundred were either burnt or had fallen apart. Just hours before the caucus it's unknown how this will effect Cruz but one could assume it may negatively affect his voter turnout.